seminary fail

Well guys, I guess I am going to sleep on the seminary thing for…another year. If next spring I still want to go, I will, and hopefully I’ll have saved up enough money for it not to be financially strenuous. If I decide I don’t actually need a master’s in theology, I haven’t spent $5k (just the first year, factoring in various scholarships) I don’t have to find out.

The money is not the only angle. Yes, I am trying not to incur more debt on top of what I already have from my undergraduate degree. Yes, I do think that jumping into seminary is a pretty expensive way to test out the waters. And I really just don’t know what I want to do.

I want to spend some time doing some disciplined reading on my own. I want to actually cultivate the discipline necessary to even do disciplined reading on my own, which is something I lack at the moment. For REAL. I want to practice and play more guitar. I want to write songs that have something to communicate. I want to have just one job that can pay my bills and not run me ragged like this two-job nonsense is doing. I want to open a bakery/cafe/gallery. I want to help people.

All in all, I’m only friggin’ twenty-two. I don’t know what the hell I want to do. Fortunately, I have plenty of time to figure my life out, and if it takes me a little longer than I’d originally planned, that’s ok too (or…I want it to be…). At least this way I’m not spending mass amounts of money for a degree that may or may not be useful in the long run.

Le sigh.

pretty terrible

I guess I’m pretty terrible at blogging–it’s been a long time since my last post. I find I often have ideas for posts floating around in my head. I wanted to write one called “Reflections on an Encounter with a Homeless Man,” but then the time passed, and I think I missed all the thoughts that were floating around in my heart. Maybe I’ll return to that one sometime.

Truth is, I feel like I’m in some kind of rut. I am doing the same old same old, trying to figure out how I’m going to pay for seminary in the fall, and working far too much. Blah blah blah. I’m whining. Too much. Sorry.

I just took a little look-see at my past few posts, and realized I promised more info from the conference I attended nearly a month ago now. I will get on that.

As a bonus, here are some things I am enjoying right now: The Weepies, Bellen! (especially the early ones), being in love for the first time, the warm weather, organizing the Memorial Day picnic (!), and dreaming about opening a bakery/cafe/gallery (it could really happen!).

I suppose that’s enough rambling for one day. And I’ll get working on that post from the conference. It would be good for me to revisit it.

Happy long weekend, friends!


I can’t go to an opera without bursting into tears at least once.  Is that normal?

For most, I assume not.  Many seem to find opera inaccessible and boring (sidenote: if you think that about opera–GO SEE ONE. then decide. geez.).  For a while, I wanted to devote my whole life to it.  That is a big thought!  I was ready to sacrifice having a family someday and normality and safety for art and culture and travel and loads and loads of practice.  It was the practice that got me in the end, and the yearning for something more stable.  I can’t even describe it, but something deep inside me wanted more.

Then a couple weeks ago, I went to a friend’s senior voice recital, and she was fantastic.  I went home, watched the dvd from my own recital from a year ago, and bawled my eyes out.  What the crap!?  Really. Just crying.  Snot, the works.

Then today a friend of mine who thought all her life that she’d go to seminary told me she decided she’s going to grad school for voice.  What is my instant reaction?  Jealousy!  I am envious that she has the drive.  (Even though now I am the one heading to seminary…)

And that’s just it.  The drive.  I lack it.  I lack the motivation and discipline to spend 4 hours alone in a practice room every day.  It’s just not going to happen for me.  I gave it my best shot, and it turns out I’m not cut out to be a diva–at least not an opera-singing one–and although I know in my heart that’s not my path…I am envious of those who are made for it.

So now what?  I guess I need to just be prepared to lean on the Lord to swallow the jealousy and dive in headfirst to whatever it is that’s on its way.