Category Archives: Posts

#m2ep09

Posted on by anna

I’m in Baltimore, waiting for the bus that will take me to the train, that will take me to my best friend’s house, where I’m staying for the conference this week. For those just tuning in, I’m attending the Sojourner’s Mobilization to End Poverty Conference until Wednesday this week. I’ll be hearing some pretty amazing speakers, possibly even including our president.

This morning waiting for my flight, I was reading some of G.K. Chesterton’s Orthodoxy (which has taken me far too long to read), and came across this passage:

There is one thing that Christ and all the saints have said with a sort of savage monotony. They have said simply that to be rich is to be in peculiar danger of moral wreck. It is not demonstrably un-Christian to kill the rich as violators of definable justice. It is not demonstrably un-Christian to crown the rich as convenient rulers of society. It is not certainly un-Christian to rebel against the rich or to submit to the rich. But it is quite certainly un-Christian to trust the rich, to regard the rich as more morally safe than the poor. (G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy)

Chesterton’s thoughts struck me. Here I am about to embark on a three-day journey learning solely about poverty and how we can stop it, and then this passage comes up. Before the passage, Chesterton notes the idea that perhaps those with greater resources are more fit to govern those lacking. Chesterton then goes on to say that perhaps wealth isn’t what makes us more suited to govern, it just opens us up to a great deal of moral instability.

Hmmm. I do not consider myself a rich person, except in quality of life, but I suppose in the grand scheme of the world, I am a queen. I work quite a bit, but as a result, do not have to worry much about how much money I am spending (although I do stick to a detailed budget!). I can pay my rent, feed myself perhaps too well, enjoy a beer now and then, and even have money left over for such luxuries as tshirts, iPods, and Macbooks. Looking at my own wealth in this way makes me feel guilty. I have been blessed (although I hesitate to use that word – google “open theism”), and all these blessings leave me feeling…helpless.

I guess my big hope for this conference is that I am changed—motivated. I want so badly to be in the forefront shaping this world and giving all I’ve got. I confess that all too often I am held back by insecurities, worries about my own well-being, and selfishness. I am so looking forward to being able to have more information and learn about what it is others are doing in the face of such a problem as the poverty people in our nation and our world are facing.

I hope that you will keep me and the other conference attendees in your prayers. Pray that we are changed, and pray for the leaders of the conference, that they are speaking God’s words.

Peace.

passenger seat

Posted on by anna

We drove around a little extra to hear this beautiful song last night:

I roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

“do they collide?”
I ask and you smile.
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn’t matter.

when you feel embarrassed then I’ll be your pride
when you need directions then I’ll be the guide
for all time.
for all time.

(death cab for cutie)

jealousy

Posted on by anna

I can’t go to an opera without bursting into tears at least once.  Is that normal?

For most, I assume not.  Many seem to find opera inaccessible and boring (sidenote: if you think that about opera–GO SEE ONE. then decide. geez.).  For a while, I wanted to devote my whole life to it.  That is a big thought!  I was ready to sacrifice having a family someday and normality and safety for art and culture and travel and loads and loads of practice.  It was the practice that got me in the end, and the yearning for something more stable.  I can’t even describe it, but something deep inside me wanted more.

Then a couple weeks ago, I went to a friend’s senior voice recital, and she was fantastic.  I went home, watched the dvd from my own recital from a year ago, and bawled my eyes out.  What the crap!?  Really. Just crying.  Snot, the works.

Then today a friend of mine who thought all her life that she’d go to seminary told me she decided she’s going to grad school for voice.  What is my instant reaction?  Jealousy!  I am envious that she has the drive.  (Even though now I am the one heading to seminary…)

And that’s just it.  The drive.  I lack it.  I lack the motivation and discipline to spend 4 hours alone in a practice room every day.  It’s just not going to happen for me.  I gave it my best shot, and it turns out I’m not cut out to be a diva–at least not an opera-singing one–and although I know in my heart that’s not my path…I am envious of those who are made for it.

So now what?  I guess I need to just be prepared to lean on the Lord to swallow the jealousy and dive in headfirst to whatever it is that’s on its way.

in a field

Posted on by anna

I am constantly haunted by these words:

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” (-Annie Dillard)

Constantly.  As I watch forty of my weekly hours pass sitting in an old desk chair staring at my computer or practicing my zen breathing to keep myself from becoming overly frustrated with one of my customers, I can’t help but wonder what I am doing here.

I am twenty-two, wildly passionate and just as wildly lost it seems.  Just a year out of college, I am constantly bombarded with, “Oh, so what are you doing now?”  I find myself trying to make my job sound more interesting than it is.  I’m working for the orchestra!  I’m really enjoying it.

I am treading water.

Fortunately, my job gives me a lot of time to read my daily digest of blogs.  Jon Acuff, author of Stuff Christians Like, wrote this article on his 97 Seconds with God blog.  Jon reminded me that even after David got called to be the king, he went back to the fields to be a shepherd a while longer.

This is a pretty comforting thought.  I know this stage in my “career” isn’t going to be forever.  I am working nearly full-time for basically peanuts with no benefits.  Not that money is really the goal, but I would love to have a job where I could pay all my bills without waiting tables on the side.  If David had to tend sheep, maybe I can sell tickets to some cranky old people.  And let’s be honest people, even Jesus was a carpenter before he was out preaching the good news.

At the same time, however, I feel like I am wasting time.  How I am spending my days is sometimes troubling, and I find myself floundering when someone asks me what it is I really want to do with my life.

I want to love people.  I want to feed the hungry.  I want to see justice happen here.  I want to make music.  I want to be a good listener.  Someday, I want to be a loving wife and mother.

Can it be good enough for me to be in a field right now?  Hopefully good (read:  more interesting) things are on the horizon.  This fall I am hoping to start a seminary program.  I am thirsty for reading and lectures and ideas and papers.  Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?  I can’t wait, and I think that must be a good sign.

liebeslied

Posted on by anna

It is striking how much more I appreciate romantic poetry now that I am really in love.  Here’s a poem from one of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke, who penned this in the early twentieth century (originally, and beautifully, in German).

Liebeslied (Lovesong)
How shall I withhold my soul so that
it does not touch on yours? How shall I
uplift it over you to other things?
Ah willingly would I by some
lost thing in the dark give it harbor
in an unfamiliar silent place
that does not vibrate on when your depths vibrate.
Yet everything that touches us, you and me,
takes us together as a bow’s stroke does,
that out of two strings draws a single voice.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what player has us in his hand?
O sweet song. [emphasis mine]

Mmmm.  Isn’t that just beautiful?  …out of two strings draws a single voice.  Upon what instrument are we two spanned?  And what player has us in His hand?

O sweet, sweet song.

 

pray without ceasing

Posted on by anna

I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer.  The idea of prayer is one I’ve always sort of struggled with growing up.  “If God knows what I’m going to ask for, then why ask for it?”  “Praying doesn’t change God, it changes me.”  “God, are You even listening?”

I recently read Greg Boyd’s “God of the Possible,” where he explains the idea of open theism.  I think I personally had grown up assuming that God knew every detail of what was to come.  Open theism suggests that the future is not, in fact “exhaustively settled,” and in that case, God can not and does not know exactly what is to come.  Boyd argues that that is what gives prayer its urgency.  If God knows everything that is to happen and there’s no way it’s going to change, why pray?  But, if the future is at least partially open, then it is nothing less than our duty to pray for God’s hand.  Right?  Cerebrally, I believe this.  Yet my actions give little evidence I do.

My other prayer-hang-up is this:  what is appropriate to pray about?  My immediate answer is:  everything.  My careful answer is something closer to…holy things.  You know, things that let you feel spiritual and awesome.  I certainly think God would rather us pray about everything, but…I feel silly sometimes.  Or selfish.  I guess we are all guilty of selfish prayers, but sometimes I can’t help but feel weird praying for jobs or other money issues when I am so blessed as it is.  I may feel like the ground is falling from beneath me or someone I love, but the truth is that I still make more money than a lot of the world.  That makes me feel like maybe I don’t need to pray for a more steady job or a raise. 

I heard a lady say one time that when she goes to the mall, she prays for a parking space.  That trusting God with the little things helps her trust Him with the big things.  In my “enlightened” state, my first reactions to that statement are:  Does God even like malls?  Does God care where I park?  Really, is it to the glory of our creator if I get to park a little closer to the mall?  I am inclined to think that maybe…it does not matter in the long run if I have to walk a few more feet.

The truth is I have no idea what the answers to these questions are, and I’m pretty ok with that.  I’m inclined to think that it does matter, it must matter, that I pray.  If I believe in a God who cares for me, then I must believe that He will listen to me, no matter how insignificant my cares, even if I am not changing His mind, and even if He is, perhaps, not too concerned about them.  (I love my best friend, and I will listen to her always, but I am not particularly concerned about what she had for lunch.  Catch my drift?)  Also, I think you should read Mr. Boyd’s book.

meta-blog:

Posted on by anna

It’s possible that I am, in fact, terrified of blogging.  The concept sounds great.  I write witty and intelligent sentences; people I know and don’t know think I’m witty and intelligent.  The problem is that whole witty and intelligent bit.  It’s a lot of pressure!  I hope someday I finally feel like I’ve found my voice–I imagine it’s a nice feeling.  There are so many things I want to say, but sometimes I feel this is the wrong arena, or perhaps that my thoughts aren’t witty, intelligent, or even original, so I keep quiet.

Oh, the burden of having interesting friends.  I can’t promise to be interesting, but I can promise to always use my own voice, whatever it might be.

new

Posted on by anna

After debating for a while whether to start my old blog up again or start a new one, I opted for fresh.  If you are sneaky enough, you may be able to find the old me out there in the internet-abyss, but for now I will focus my literary energies here.

After spending perhaps all of my twenty-two years figuring out exactly who it is I am, I decided this summer that it didn’t matter so much–that I would let myself just enjoy the journey and not worry so much about the destination.  It’s funny how when you feel like a new person, you begin to feel like yourself again.  And you want to start fresh everywhere.

I immediately bought a new journal.  New me, new journal, right?  I got sucked into the world of Twitter (follow me there!), and finally decided I needed a new place to blog to top it off.

All this to say:  Welcome to my new blog!  I hope I can verbalize some of what goes on in my sometimes ridiculous brain.  Sometimes it just helps to write, you know?  Don’t expect brilliance or magnificent eloquence–you will be disappointed–but welcome.