back on the radar, sort of.

Hello friends! Allow me to apologize for dropping off the face of the earth…it’s been a busy couple weeks, er, months.

Obligatory bloggy apology: check.

Here’s a little run-down of what I’ve been up to the past month and a half: I turned 23, took a roadtrip to Middleofnowhere, Ohio to go to (read: work at) summer camp for a week, came home to a surprise party, packed up my old apartment, moved it all into my poor boyfriend’s living room for the weekend, moved all my stuff again into my own apartment across the yard from him, painted said apartment, and since then have been trying to find a few minutes to continue to put my life away again.

Yikes-a-mo-mikes-a, as a friend of my brother’s used to say. You know, when they were 3.

Life is freaking crazy, and I’m sure only about to get crazier. I have decided to quit the evil restaurant before Thanksgiving, because my car will probably die soon, and also because the new manager there doesn’t like the idea of anyone taking off for any holidays.

Oh, I’m sorry, sir, I’ll just spend Thanksgiving and Christmas by myself here then, shall I? So kind of you. Thanks.

So that’s one less stress, and one more, I suppose. Less stress in that I’ll finally have (a little) more time, and one more because I’ll be making (a lot) less money per week and not having access to cash as easily (which could be good, I suppose). Oh money. Eff you.

What was this post going to be about? I suppose I have nothing of dire import to share; I’ve just been thinking about my poor, neglected blog, and like the 20-something-girl that I am, decided to update it and let my two readers know what’s going on with me.

I’ll be back soon with some meatier words.

Peace.

homosexuality and the church: an online anthology

There’s been lots of talk lately about homosexuality and the  church, it seems like. I read a lot of blogs, and I’ve noticed tons more articles on the subject than normal. As such, I thought I would share these articles with you. Please note that I don’t necessary agree (or disagree, I suppose) with any stance any of these writers represent; I merely think it is interesting and important for us to be engaging viewpoints different than our own.

Is the Homosexual My Neighbor? by Tony and Peggy Campolo. This is a transcription of a talk they gave at North Park in Chicago, and is a really good read. (Found via the blog below.)

From Richard Dahlstrom, a pastor from Seattle, WA:
How to talk about homosexuality…
the foundation to answer the questions… part 1
An answer, I hope in Truth and Grace
Romans 1

From the Burnside Writer’s Blog:
Closet Cases by Jordan Green
Coming out of the Judgmental Closet by Eric Allen
“What Matters More” –Derek Webb, Stockholm Syndrome posted by Tim McGeary
Spirit in the Material World: The Science on Homosexuality by Steve Simpson (added 8/3)

From More Musings on Christianity, Homosexuality, & the Bible by Misty Irons:
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in the Church

From I like guys by Steve:
Gay at Wheaton

I think that’s the whole list so far. Sorry for all the link-age there, but I seriously hope you will take some time to read all these articles, especially if this is a discussion you care about. Feel free to share comments, but please do not do so anonymously or with any kind of vitriol. You will be swiftly deleted that way.

Peace, friends.

discipline

Big. scary. word.

Discipline. DISCIPLINE. Here are some things discipline is starting to mean to me:

Not buying fancy (read: expensive) coffee every morning. Tithing even when it’s scary. Bringing my own lunch to work. Sticking to my budget. Running. In the morning. Not eating that ice cream sandwich. Actually reading my Bible (note: this has only happened once in recent history). Going to bed on time.

I’ve been struggling with the idea of discipline for a while. I am not disciplined in regulating what foods I eat, thus I am, uh, curvy. I am not disciplined in regularly practicing, thus I am not as good a guitar player as I could be. I am not disciplined about where I spend my money, so I sometimes have to do some “creative finance,” as my mother calls it.

But there is hope! After trudging through on my own for so long, it finally occurred to me the other day that this is not a battle I can possibly ever win on my own. Cheesy as it may sound, I need God’s strength in this one. If I can not lean on His strength, I can never hope to be disciplined in following Him.

This feels like a new journey. I am a lazy, lazy girl, so I’m sure it will be a fight.

One more thing, and then I’ll stop yabbering. I woke up this morning, having talked myself into a morning run, and when I got to the door, it was raining. So I went back inside, knowing I had time to sleep another 30 minutes. Instead I turned my coffee maker on, grabbed some breakfast, and went into my room. I grabbed my Bible, which has been acting as a coaster, and sat on my bed. In the peace of my room, I opened to Romans 7 and realized Paul had the same struggles. Not being able to control his own sinful desires, He too had to lean on Christ.

I am freed to be disciplined in Christ.

quarter-life crisis

To steal a phrase from John Mayer.

Today at work, I spent the afternoon looking at pictures of people’s tattoos online. I have a really cool one on my right foot — Psalm 46:10 in my grandmother’s handwriting — but I’ve been itching to get another one. As I saw some really beautiful tattoos, and some really terrible ones too of course (why would you tattoo your own name on yourself!?), I couldn’t help but want something totally badass. It was that moment that I felt like I’d settled into some kind of cookie cutter. I don’t really think that, but at that moment…I wasn’t sure.

Maybe I would be destined for mini-vans and always wearing shoes so the other moms at play-group wouldn’t see my tattoo. Deep inside, I know that’s not me at all. I am not destined for any kind of boring normality. But I can’t help but wonder what I’d look like at 40 covered (at least a little bit) in tattoos. Would I be excluded from any jobs I might want to pursue? What would my boyfriend’s parents think? Isn’t growing up and becoming normal what people do?

I just can’t own a mini-van. Ever.

I soon found myself looking back (from the ripe ol’ age of 22) on my earlier days of crazy hair colors and earrings spanning the entirety of both my ears. Not that I feel the need to be-jewel my ears again or dye my hair pink again. I think I’ve matured at least somewhat past the “I must look a certain way to be cool” stage. 

But really, do any of us really get over that? I’m just saying. We all dress the way we do for a reason. Because we like it, cool or not. We choose to present ourselves the way we do to make whatever statement we want to make.

I digress. You can go back in time and un-read those last two paragraphs if you’d like.

It was this whole issue, or at least my tiny mention of it this afternoon, that prompted Elliot to diagnose me with a quarter-life crisis. And…I think he’s right. I am in this very unsettling stage where I feel like I should have more things figured out. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t always know why I say or do the things I am saying or doing. I am lazy. I have an unreasonable desire to purchase a sportscar… No scratch that–that’s the mid-life crisis–but I am just itching for a new tattoo. And a path. 

Recently some things fell into place in my brain. If I can get a job that will actually pay me enough to only work that one job, I can actually have time to practice and play music. Friends, this is big. I am falling so head over heels for the So and So’s (my church band), for that feeling of connection and art and music–not just the sound but the spirit–ugh, I want to do it more. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, “Man, too bad I didn’t get a degree I can use for a job. Why don’t I like anything enough to do it for a job?” And then I have moments playing music, spontaneous “One clap…two claps” erupting from the congregation that I think “Yes. Yes, this is it. This is it.

So, step one: Real job. Step two: BAND. Practicing, writing, honing, disciplining, playing.

Yes.

dream blog

So my dreams have been just so ridiculous lately that I started a blog about them:

http://mydreamsareweird.wordpress.com Check it out!

Anyway, dudes and dudettes, I have been spending my time reading webcomics at work, crying because I don’t know what I want to do with my life (future blogging on possibilities….), and being the best girlfriend I know how to be.

Seriously, guys, I have read a lot of webcomics. Sorry this blog sucks right now. My thoughts and opinions are being slowly sucked out of me by long days spent staring at the computer screen. It’s entirely possible I am losing both brain cells and IQ points. Maybe that’s why my dreams have been so interesting.

get it, got it, good (vol.1)

Welcome to a new segment of this blog called “Get it, Got it, Good.” If you don’t know me, you may not know that I am sometimes snarky and/or, well, bitchy. I have remained well-mannered until now, but sometimes you just need to know. Expect other articles to follow on tipping etiquette, ticket-buying etiquette, etc. 

People who are allowed to call me “honey”:

1. Elliot

2. My mom, dad, grandparents

3. Sweet old ladies

4. Very cute old men

People who are not allowed to call me “honey”:

1. Any man who is not my father, my boyfriend, or well-meaning and geriatric. If you are some thirty-something a-hole, keep quiet. If you are fifty-something and creepy, shut it.

2. Condescending older ladies. “Look, honey, blah blah blah…”

I often contemplate these rules in my every-day contact with the general public. I had a very sweet old lady today call me “honey” on the phone, and it genuinely made me smile. The way she said it let me know that she really appreciated the information I had to share with her. 

Last weekend, a friend had parked his car in the wrong spot, and while informing the neighbor we would move it, was dismissed by said neighbor and called “honey,” which immediately put me on the defense. 

Anyway, now you know.

seminary fail

Well guys, I guess I am going to sleep on the seminary thing for…another year. If next spring I still want to go, I will, and hopefully I’ll have saved up enough money for it not to be financially strenuous. If I decide I don’t actually need a master’s in theology, I haven’t spent $5k (just the first year, factoring in various scholarships) I don’t have to find out.

The money is not the only angle. Yes, I am trying not to incur more debt on top of what I already have from my undergraduate degree. Yes, I do think that jumping into seminary is a pretty expensive way to test out the waters. And I really just don’t know what I want to do.

I want to spend some time doing some disciplined reading on my own. I want to actually cultivate the discipline necessary to even do disciplined reading on my own, which is something I lack at the moment. For REAL. I want to practice and play more guitar. I want to write songs that have something to communicate. I want to have just one job that can pay my bills and not run me ragged like this two-job nonsense is doing. I want to open a bakery/cafe/gallery. I want to help people.

All in all, I’m only friggin’ twenty-two. I don’t know what the hell I want to do. Fortunately, I have plenty of time to figure my life out, and if it takes me a little longer than I’d originally planned, that’s ok too (or…I want it to be…). At least this way I’m not spending mass amounts of money for a degree that may or may not be useful in the long run.

Le sigh.

pretty terrible

I guess I’m pretty terrible at blogging–it’s been a long time since my last post. I find I often have ideas for posts floating around in my head. I wanted to write one called “Reflections on an Encounter with a Homeless Man,” but then the time passed, and I think I missed all the thoughts that were floating around in my heart. Maybe I’ll return to that one sometime.

Truth is, I feel like I’m in some kind of rut. I am doing the same old same old, trying to figure out how I’m going to pay for seminary in the fall, and working far too much. Blah blah blah. I’m whining. Too much. Sorry.

I just took a little look-see at my past few posts, and realized I promised more info from the conference I attended nearly a month ago now. I will get on that.

As a bonus, here are some things I am enjoying right now: The Weepies, Bellen! (especially the early ones), being in love for the first time, the warm weather, organizing the Memorial Day picnic (!), and dreaming about opening a bakery/cafe/gallery (it could really happen!).

I suppose that’s enough rambling for one day. And I’ll get working on that post from the conference. It would be good for me to revisit it.

Happy long weekend, friends!

consider yourself updated

I hereby promise to blog more on the conference.  Patience, grasshopper!  I’m hoping tomorrow night (wait, tonight?) I can sit down and transcribe my notes before I need to present something interesting Tuesday night to the social justice guild at church.

Let me also say this:  I have amazing friends.  Moving to the city last summer was the best thing I could have possibly done, and I feel overwhelmingly blessed to have all the people in my life who are now present there.  I am a big believer in making sure people know what a valuable part of your life they are, so take this to heart:

Thank you, friends.  You have already changed me more than I could imagine (and not just because I am more nerdy now than I ever thought possible!).  I am lucky to know such a caring and funny group of people.

Goodnight.

practicing

Today’s schedule at the Mobilization to End Poverty (M2EP) was packed full of speakers, congress people, preachers, music, laughter, tears, and love.  I took about 20 (small) pages’ worth of notes, and I want to be able to take the time to really process all the things I heard today and post something interesting and cohesive.  So I’m going to wait on that.  Right now I just want to reflect on the last event of the day, the Koinonia Coffee House that was held for “emerging leaders” attending the conference.

It turns out that I have a huge crush on Donald Miller, who was the speaker at tonight’s Koinonia coffee house (interesting note: apparently “koinonia,” usually translated as “fellowship,” also necessarily implies some impending action).  Having read a lot of Miller’s work and his blog posts, I was half expecting him to be somewhat more dry in his speech and in his meeting of the people at the coffee house.  To my pleasant surprise, he was kind and sweet, his face soft, and his voice inviting and friendly.  He spoke about telling a story with our lives–one that would be interesting to watch if they were movies.  

Don told us that a good story involves a “character who wants something and is willing to overcome conflict to get it.”  He also noted, however, that the character’s character must be shown to be good or we don’t care what he gets.  He must do good things with a good motivation for us to want the best for him.  He told us that there was conflict even before ‘the Fall,’ that Adam–walking in the garden with God Himself–was lonely.  Don noted that many people think they must be totally fulfilled by God and aspire to do so before joining in marriage with another human.  He laughed as he said he thought that was impossible, that God just isn’t meant to fill our every need, that God doesn’t want to, and won’t, date us.  “The #1 way we consume stories,” he said, “is through each other.”  Not through movies and television and music and media.  We invest in each other and each other’s stories.  …It was quite beautiful really.

In the q&a session afterward, one of the women in the crowd shared about feeling like she was bouncing from ministry to ministry and not feeling like that left her being able to make a palpable difference anywhere.  Don has this advice: “It’s ok, in your 20s, to feel like you’re practicing.  You’re still figuring stuff out.”  He went on to tell us how it took him til he was 33 or something to start the mentoring project.  That was probably the most encouraging thing I heard all day, pertaining to my own personal situation.  It’s ok for me to be practicing and building experience for what it is that’s coming.  

I’ve been dreaming about starting a community center in my neighborhood back home.  There’s an empty building on Atlantic that I want for it, and there I want to help kids with their homework, and feed them carrot sticks after school.  It’s just a dream right now, but right now it seems palpable.  Don noted that “it’s in the doing that we are changed.  Not in the thinking and planning and dreaming–in the doing.”  

Amen. So be it. May God give me the faith to jump.